If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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