dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
