I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
