My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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