Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I skipped work to stalk him.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
