I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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