His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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