I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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