Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
