Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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