btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
