fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
