wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
