I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
