Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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