Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize