The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
