That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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