is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
