I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
