dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
