Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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