so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
