Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize