he was CRYING into my vagina
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
