My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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