Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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