i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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