The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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