I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize