Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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