Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize