I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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