I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
