dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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