I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
