get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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