i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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