I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
