I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
