I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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