I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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