she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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