weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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