I think i sorta joined a cult last night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
