ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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