I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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