Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
