Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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