Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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