Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
