I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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