ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
