I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize