What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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