just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
