Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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