told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
