Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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