just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
