this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
