the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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