It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
