my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
