do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
