he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
