What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
